Are you a heavy doucher?

Scott tried to convince me last night that hot water bottles weren't just put on a sore tummy, but that they were used for enemas and douche bags as well. Yes, these are the kinds of things one discusses on international phone rates in a long-distance relationship. I wouldn't believe him, but thorough as he is, he sent me numerous links to back up (so to speak :-)) his claims.

Here's one of them, which is actually quite funny to read (I didn't know one could be a heavy doucher as a separate identity category, if the identity category 'doucher' indeed exists)

http://shop.store.yahoo.com/buyinprivate/doucbagwiten.html

It's still not entirely clear how the functional link between hot water bottles and enemas/douche bags was made historically, but I have to defer to Scott officially and award him the prize of being right in last night's discussion.

Anyway, in the course of the discussion, I had one of my infamous laughing spells, in which I simply cannot stop laughing hysterically (and which aren't a lot of fun because they're painful and compulsive), though it wasn't as bad as the one I had freshman year in college, when I collapsed on the floor of the 'Jetson' lounge in our dorm for about 20 minutes after hearing the christmas song "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" for the first time (no idea what's really so funny about that song).

The cuplrit last night was hearing Scott refer to someone as a douche bag, which is, for some reason, one of the funniest things in the world to me. I was downright convulsing in laughter, and needed my inhaler. I guess douching seems pretty strange to me, and calling someone a douche bag also doesn't entirely make sense to me (calling them a hot water bottle, for example, wouldn't have the same effect). It's also particularly effective as an insult applied to men -actually now that I think about it, calling a woman a douche bag doesn't seem prevalent linguistic practice, so I guess it has something to do with the crossing of gender boundaries...This is actually a great topic for an undergraduate paper in linguistic anthropology -but reading 75 poor analysis of the use of the insult douche bag would probably kill the humor of it.

Right now, I'm still laughing.

CLASSIFIEDS

My sympathy goes out to Kate and her clan on the recent passing of her grandfather!

Once again, I want to acknowledge that Scott was right in our debate last night. This doesn't happen very often, so I better announce it to the world :-) Love you, honey!

More entries in the strange licence plates of Berlin collection:
FL-AB
B-LT
B-UM
B-S
OK-RA
B-IG (on a Cooper Mini)

Confidential to SD: Just let me know if you want the adress where to send my iPod :-)

Tale of Two Woodpeckers

Ah, springtime in Berlin: the birds are singing, the ducks are swimming, there's a light mist rising from the lake...

The first thing I noticed today while walking the dogs was the woodpecker that was working on the joint between the trunk of the tree and the branch it was sitting on. This did not seem smart to me from an evolutionary perspective.

Then, I noticed the exhibitionist who was trying to catch my attention.

Since only his bottom half was undressed and the ice on the lake really only melted last week, I assume he wasn't on his way to swim. As a matter of fact, he was wearing a button-down shirt and a sweater on top, probably to counteract the draft from the bottom.

Thank goodness my childhood near nature has taught me all kinds of things, like how to act around wild boars and how (not) to react to exhibitionists, so after spending the initial second of shock to consider the reasons why this man might be walking around naked in the woods, I ignored him.

Then, as my good deed for the day (see below), I warned all the women heading in his direction so they wouldn't get a fright.

One of them just said "Well, I guess it's spingtime again". True enough.

Nice-Ness

The first thing you notice when you arrive in Berlin (after the dog poop nobody cleans up) is how unfriendly people are. The amount of unfriendliness you encounter in everyday life is quite amazing -one might think people consider it an art form and invest appropriate amount of time and energy in cultivating it. This ranges from simple unpleasantries like not saying "excuse me" for all kinds of transgressions of physical and social bounds over explicit physical expressions like showing people the finger to actual yelling and cursing.

Just today, the poor UPS man in our street got yelled at and threatened with a lawsuit for blocking the road for less than 5 minutes. Come on, people, the poor man is just doing his job. But I digress.

So then I decided that I will perform one act of kindness or friendliness a day (being nice to family members doesn't count, even though I was tempted to count my attendance at my grandmother's bday dinner as 2 hours of kindness). At least one, I suppose, although all these unfriendly people really aren't making it easy...

The first day, I bought a plastic bag for the guy at the supermarket who only had a credit card and forgotten to pay for it.

Yesterday, I picked up a cucumber that a kid had dropped in the supermarket (apparently a prim site for performing kindness) and had an actual conversation with a woman in the forest, instead of just grunting in response to her comments.

Today, I warned about 6 women of an exhibitionist that was roaming around a lake (see post above).

It's really not all that difficult being nice every once in a while, although I don't expect this to catch on any time soon...

The Bunny Files

This is especially for Erika who enjoys deviance involving bunnies.

My grandmother has these easter bunny cake molds. Today I used them for the first time. You have to stick the two halves of the mold together with these clips, fill them with batter, and then turn them upside down for baking. Of course, I neglected the fact that the batter involved baking powder and filled them all the way to the top.

As the bunnies were baking, batter started oozing from all directions, and in the end, our oven looked like the site of a strange bunny experiment involving the draining of bunny brains:



[You're looking at the molds from the back and the side, with the bunnies facing the back of the oven)

Ho-ing it up, German style

Thanks to Emerson-the-bearded, I have found a new source of income:

"rentagerman.de offers a wide range of Germans for your personal and social needs.

You can select the German of your choice for an exclusive lifetime experience:
Imagine to appear with your German at parties, family events, or just hang out with them at the local shopping center.

No matter, wich occasion you choose, you can surely impress your environment by presenting an original German."

Now, people, I'm going to sign myself up for this, and I want you to seriously consider the possibility. Finally, here's the gift for the person who has everything! I mean, 800 euros ($1000) for a German day at home, complete with a German meal and a discussion of politics, that's a bargain! And who wouldn't want a surprise weekend with a German? And I get 40% of the fee!

No worries, I'll still hang out with you guys for free ;-)

CLASSIFIEDS:

Happy Birthday to Jerry and congratulations on finding a new job (a few weeks ago) (sorry, I had to make sure a word like 'ho' appears in the subject line of my birthday message to you)

Thanks to Susanne for introducing me to her friend in Berlin -I finally had my first normal night out in ages!

Sorry to Scott for missing our phone appointment as a result. I love you very much.

Wear a poncho like Martha...

Welcome to Lion Brand Yarn Company: Home Page

This is especially for Katie, who deep down is very jealous of Martha, I know. If it helps, I'll be happy to make you the poncho, sweetie :-)

...and then see what Martha really does with all the junk in her home, especially now that she has all this time on her hands:

A movie gallery of actual shredding

(the couch is a personal favorite of Scott and me)

Caution: Wild animals crossing

Today, I was walking the dogs (see right) in the forest. The forest in Berlin is a real forest, in the sense that there are a lot of trees and a bit of wildlife, which you never see. But it's also not like Sherwood Forest with Robin Hood and all 'cause it's pretty domesticated. Lots of paths and roads and in the summer, millions of people heading to the lakes.

Of course there's no way to think of swimming right now, but the dogs and I are toddling along this path that goes right by this road leading to a cozy rsetaurant in the woods (the BMW/Mercedes set doesn't like to walk to see nature). Suddenly, about 10 yards ahead of me, this HUGE (5 feet tall, I swear!) wild boar comes charging out of the woods, across the path and then across the road.

I know from practically living in this forest when I was a kid that wild boars are nothing to kid with. Even though their babies are cute (and their mothers just as protective) and they taste very good, wild boars can total your car (think road block -low and massive) and leave you looking like the victim of a stabbing when they attack you with their tusks. Encountering one almost lets your life flash in front of you while you consider whether you can actually make it up that tree. Thank heavens the dogs were too busy sniffing their friends' and foes' pee to really notice.

And just like that, the thing was gone, with the speed of a Munich BMW on the Autobahn. Maybe off to dinner at the trash cans in the back of that fancy restaurant down the road.

Hygiene, my ass!

I was just visiting the news-stand at a department store, and there was a sign that said "For reasons of hygiene, please do not read magazines until purchased".

Ha! What kind of hygienic problems do people reading magazines without purchasing them create? Is there something the authorities aren't telling us about?

Now, I can see why they ask you to keep on your underwear while trying on swimsuits (although...have you seen some people's underwear?!) and, more to the point, I would concede that nobody should be using a mag as a snot-rag and then just put it back on the shelf, but beyond that?

Shouldn't it rather say "Due to the demands of the capitalist system..."? And what ever happened to the good old German "verboten"?

I hate this country!

Today, on the way to the pet shop to buy some food for the dogs, I had to cross a tiny side street. The light had just changed to red. Because

-it was freezing and
-any time not moving with the dogs increases the chance of meeting this unfriendly doggie compatriot that lives right there and
-I know that after the light turns red, the left-turn signal goes on for a few seconds and the cross traffic won't start moving and the street is literally 20 feet across and
-I'm a goddamn adult,

I decided to cross the street anyway. Of course I walked quickly.

Suddenly this woman in a car waiting at the red light in the cross street beeps her horn at me, and as I look back at her, she starts gesticulating toward the red pedestrian light with this frown on her face.

Now, there was no chance I was blocking traffic and somehow impeding her driving. All this was was a typically German gesture that says "You did something wrong [jay-walking is akin to child-abuse here, and if you do it in front of children, it's considered worse than child abuse -but there was no child, I checked!] and I saw you do it and I'm going to point that out to you and teach you a lesson."

It pissed me off like nothing else.

Then, she turned the corner, pulled into a parking spot, and let out her dog from the back seat who was a) not restrained in the car and b) not on a leash. I decided to take the high road and refrained from pointing out her failure in observing these two laws -that would have been very German.