Airhead

The reason I haven't posted much recently is that I haven't really experienced or thought anything humorous. In the absence of humor, some profound insight would be the second choice for a post, but that's been a non-event as well.

It's very strange. I've been having more bad days than good, and I've had two events that I'd call actual breakdowns, but the bad days are not profoundly bad, at least not most of the time. I really expected grief to be different...definitely more profound. Instead, strange bits of thoughts about my mother and her being dead flash into my head in irregular intervals, and sometimes they make me sad, and sometimes they don't, they just happen. Sometimes I think I should remember them, and tell someone about them, and sometimes I treat them like any other random thought, like I need to buy bread or Atze destroyed another tennis ball.

I don't know if the non-profundity of my grief is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm glad I'm not all-consumed all the time, but then there's also a kind of pressure (I don't know from where) to grieve 'right'. Today, in the NYTimes, grief was described as "sensations of somatic distress occurring in waves lasting from 20 minutes to an hour at a time" and I immediately thought "Well, I can't be grieving then, cause mine don't last for 20 minutes, not even close". Maybe it'll happen later. But honestly, the longer it takes, the more it concerns me, cause it seems like if I start grieving like it is described above in, say, 8 months or 8 years, it'll be like celebrating your birthday 4 months late. It seems like it'd be missing the boat, and it won't make sense to anyone else. Not that it does much now.

I think that's the worst part about it when it does happen. It's a very lonely experience. It's very basic, there's nothing profound about it.